Taking Care of My Daughter by Taking Care of Me

By Dave Dunn, F.E.A.S.T. Board Member and Treasurer

If my daughter is lying in her bed feeling terrible, and I walk in feeling sad, scared, confused, overwhelmed, and she can see that this is how I feel, then she’s just going to feel worse. On top of all the ways she was feeling bad before, now she’s likely to feel guilty for making me feel so bad and to feel more scared herself. If I’m this scared, then what chance does she really have to get better?

So should I hide my feelings? Pretend that I feel good? Is this possible? I don’t think so. My kids can read me as well as anybody on the planet. Also, I’m going to be genuine with her because she needs to know that she can trust me.

So if I can’t hide my feelings, and I don’t want to show her how I’m feeling, what do I do? What I’d like to do is to walk into her room with my love for her clear on my face along with my confidence that all is going to be well in the long run. She is feeling sad, and it’s okay that she know that I’m sad that she is sad. However, I also want her to see that I’m okay. In fact, to see that I feel grateful to be a person in her life, to share and validate how she is feeling in the present moment, whatever that feeling may be.

But she has been feeling bad a lot, and I am really sad, scared, confused, and overwhelmed. Because I’m going to be genuine with her, when I walk into her room tonight, she will see all these things I don’t want her to see. But this is a long game, and I’m going to make sure it’s not what she sees every night.

To do this, I am going to have to learn to take care of myself. Above all else, I have to learn to live in the present. When I’m with her and she is sad, I will be sad with her, but my demeanor won’t be one of sadness and despair. When I walk out of her room, I need to focus on other things, to take pleasure in the other people in my life, the sunrise and the sunset, the novel I am reading, the food that I eat, and whatever else I encounter.

I will show her that her illness isn’t everything. Life is all around us and it’s ours for the taking. It will be hard for me to learn how to do this, but it’s what I have to do to help my daughter, so I’ll learn.