By June Alexander, member of the F.E.A.S.T. Advisory Panel
Life balance can get out of kilter when caring for a loved one with an eating disorder. Add COVID-19 to the mix and the chances of this happening can skyrocket. Often when we are
caring for others, especially someone we love, we put our own self-care and well-being on hold. We might forget we are entitled to a life of our own.
We might also forget we are a mother to other children, that we are a wife or partner, that we are a daughter, sibling and friend. All we know is that we are a caregiver and we feel
guilty if every second of every day is not devoted to helping our loved one to face their challenges. Eventually we feel worn out and possibly even resentful. Sound familiar?
Diary or journal writing is a coping tool you can use at home to help yourself achieve a healthy life balance. This is important, because:
- Caring for your own health first and foremost is vital so that you are in the best position to help your loved one.
- Caregivers often need to heal as well as the person who has an eating disorder, and recognition of this offers great opportunity for self-growth and improved relationships with others.
Grant yourself 20 minutes a day
Find a quiet spot and sit down with pen and paper. I recommend a paper diary or journal as this is more tangible and intimate than writing on a tablet, laptop or cell phone. Writing in your diary for 20 minutes each day, at a time to suit you, can help you to feel in control of your life. Try to write at around the same time each day. Regular diary writing can help you feel you are leading a life that is true to you by helping you to connect with and strengthen thoughts and feelings that belong to your healthy self. Sometimes you might write in your diary multiple times in the day and this is to be encouraged as your diary is your 24/7 friend.
It can be easier to write than talk
Trying to portray a brave front when an eating disorder is causing havoc in your home, can form a wall between your life’s narrative and emotional truth. Pouring raw feelings into your diary, in whatever form feels right, can help sustain you while you develop the skill to examine emotions, follow them to their source, and repackage them with rational thought and a positive spin.
Writing is a form of conversation and provides a way of expressing emotions instead of repressing them. With practice this process can help you feel better about yourself. Tracing difficult feelings back to the moment and releasing them onto the page will help you to replace chaos, guilt, shame and other negatives with clarity, compassion, and calmness.
You are not perfect. You are doing your best.
Taking care of your needs
Use your diary writing to assist with:
Decision-making— refuse to allow the eating disorder to consume your entire life.
Social engagement— make time for other family members, friends and community.
Self-awareness—learn to think in a deliberate, deeply conscious way; you are the navigator of your life.
Mindfulness—focus on this very moment to help your healthy self and body to feel as one. Investigate and resolve nudges of ‘something’s not right’ promptly.
Self-shaping is ongoing, a daily process. It is about tending to and balancing your spiritual, social, psychological and physical needs. Make time to attend to each of these needs every day. Map out how you are going to do this. Remember, for healthy life balance, that quick coffee-catchup with your best friend, even if it has to be via Zoom or Skype, is not a waste of
time, it is essential.
Life is not fair – embrace the color gray
The diary is like a daily serial, authored by you, and regular reflection on past entries provides a place to learn and practice life lessons.
One of my lessons was that ‘life is not fair.’ I felt incensed at the injustice of this statement when my psychiatrist pronounced it, bluntly, during one of our many sessions, because I was feeling sorry for myself. But on reflection I saw that due to the black-and-white thinking of the eating disorder, I had been expecting life to be fair; indeed, often doggedly insisting it ‘should be.’ It wasn’t, and there was no universal dictate that it need be. Expecting perfection, and everything and everyone to be ’right’ and ‘just,’ had fuelled my anxiety and set the scene for continual disappointments.
I began to take pride in being less than perfect. I began to let the small stuff go. Today, I continue to explore the beauty of different shades of gray in my diary. It is like a buffer, a blotter that soaks up and softens the black and white extremes. It helps me to feel carefree and that all is well with my world. Allow gray into your life too!
Be flexible in problem-solving
Use your diary as a navigator to plan your life, one day at a time. When ‘Plan A’ fails, rather than dwell on what could have been and spiral into a tailspin of self-reproach, focus on exploring Plans B, C, D or E until the right solution is found for you. Use your diary to be aware of and avoid the eating disorder pitfalls, and channel your energy into positive outcomes.
Writing openly in your diary helps to foster self-care and promote recovery from losses and disappointments inflicted by the eating disorder. Sadly, not all losses can be regained. The diary is a refuge where you can go to grieve, where you can scream and shout, let the pain out, and allow healing to begin. Your family, as well as you, will benefit.
Let your diary speak for you
Last but not least, if you continue to feel overwhelmed by the pressures of caregiving and the many other daily responsibilities that go with caring for a family, reach out for help from someone you trust. If you find speaking too difficult, share excerpts from your diary, so trusted people can fully understand the depth of your needs and support and guide you
through this challenging time.
Remember, taking care of yourself first and foremost, enables you to take care of others.
Be the Master of your Ship: Journeying through an Eating Disorder
… I am the master of my ship.
I am in control.
Yet, all too soon,
it feels so wrong …
… Yet, I can still choose.
I grab a hold.
~Anne Edwards
