by Laura Collins Lyster-Mensh
“I can’t MAKE her stop.” “I can’t MAKE him eat.”
Parents are often tempted to give in to the eating disorder to make peace, to keep the patient “happy,” and to manage our own distress. But here is the truth: letting an eating disorder continue unchecked isn’t peace, it grows and embeds deeper.
The good news: parents at home can very effectively do what good hospital staff do, and for the same reasons. The F.E.A.S.T. parent community is rich with strategies and ideas and peer support to help you do this.
Still feel you “can’t?” I’m just one parent of many, but here is some of the advice I’ve learned and shared over the years:
- How to look at their disorder:
- If you’ve never seen a florid ED case before you will believe your person is different, more stubborn, or a worst-case. If you have, you won’t
- All parents feel we are not smart, strong, brave, courageous enough. But we are. Our kids believe we are, too
- I hear constantly from patients that they want their parents not to give in, not to fall apart, not to listen to their protests
- How to meet their resistance:
- It isn’t “making” them eat; it is allowing them to eat despite their fear
- It is okay if our loved one hates us, hates what we are saying, hates the food and the time of day and the angle of the sun
- Their distress is not necessarily our distress. They need us to remain calm and unflappable
- Yes, most of us fake that for a while: it still works
- Their fear can look a lot like anger: treat it like fear
- Fear is not a discipline problem
- You’ve done this before for your tantruming toddler. You can do it now
- Choices and negotiations seem loving, but can make sufferers feel less confident in us
- Resistance generally goes up to, and only as far as, when it worked in the past, so:
- We teach our loved ones to resist, and how far. Only we can reverse that
- Warmth for its own sake, despite the response, is parental
- Hospital at home :
- Learn from nurses: they do not beg, threaten, yell, or cry
- Hospitals have routines. They are predictable and non-negotiable
- Most eating disorder patients comply with treatment the day they go into a hospital. Without physical restraints or force. Without negotiation.
- Making our home a safe place to comply is our job and going to be necessary at some point
- Attitude matters:
- A sense of humor in the face of it all is one of our greatest strengths
- Resilience is more important than getting things right
- Persistence is strength
- Your approach will be unique, and uniquely successful
- Safety First
- Not all situations can be made safe at home
- Work out a safety plan with your treatment providers in advance
- Have support for yourself so you are in the best state of mind and health to be a caregiver
- Stay outwardly calm and seek emergency help as needed
I could go on. There is so much to learn, and so many strategies to choose from. No two families are alike, and no two eating disorder sufferers are alike. But you can help your loved one by learning from the families in the F.E.A.S.T. community and the resources we share.
