Words of Hope and Encouragement For Caregivers in Crisis From Those Who’ve Been There
We asked members of our Around the Dinner Table Facebook group who were no longer in crisis what they would want to tell families who are currently in crisis. These are their words, shared with their permission:
- “This is NOT YOUR FAULT. You can follow all the “best practices” around food for your kids when they’re younger, you can expose them to lots of foods, encourage them to listen to their body, never force them to finish anything, etc., and still wind up here. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do.”
- “One minute at a time. One meal. One day. Know that this is not forever. I’m on my way to my oldest daughter’s wedding. My other daughter (AN at 10 now 26 in recovery) is her maid of honor. Many nights I laid in the fetal position screaming and wondering if she’d ever eat a grape I didn’t put in her hand. Here we are 16 years later without ED in our lives.”
- “Start a note in your phone where you recap the day. It helps to vent the negative feelings, but also you will be able to look back and see improvement. The hard days will get farther apart and more good days will creep in. Hang on. Keep going. Healing for them and for you is possible.”
- “It will pass, but it is okay to acknowledge it sucks really bad right now. Keep fighting hard for your baby. You can get them back and you can do this. Do all that you can to take care of yourself as well, it’s so important. You are not alone. We understand.”
- “Breathe. Be kind to yourself. You really need to fill your own cup to get through this. Things will improve. Take it day by day.”
- “One day at a time. And follow your parental instincts. Keeping pushing for progress slow and steady. It takes years of vigilance and lots of strength.”
- “You don’t always have to feel calm to be calm in front of your child. Sometimes when you are not feeling calm, faking calm is possible, and can help. Deep breaths into the belly, remind yourself it will not always be like this, remind yourself your child is in there and needs you, remind yourself you can do this. Do your best to appear regulated. Repeat the bland phrases to encourage your child to eat. This can give you the appearance of looking calm and confident, even if you’re (utterly understandably) actually feeling frightened, angry and sad – and sometimes like you just can’t do it. It feels so hard to believe you can get from all hell breaking loose, to a completed meal – and it is possible and happens. Every single time it does, you are nourishing your child’s brain with the medicine it needs to repair, and you are – over time – re-wiring neural pathways to rehabilitate her, too. It can feel counterintuitive (so much of this does, and is) when your child is raging, or can just feel ‘odd’ and disconnected to be speaking so blandly and repetitively – and it often feels scary. For a child with anorexia, all of this is a loving thing to do. (Oh and by-the-by, you don’t have to love doing it – who would. It is hell on stilts. That doesn’t make you a bad mum, either. That part is absolutely normal. And you can still do it.)”
- “Keep fighting. It does get better. I thought we would never get through it but we are and my 14 year old daughter now realises how sick she was and has apologised multiple times for everything she put us through.”
- “It can get better! Go hard and fast (once medically safe) and aim HIGH in weight goals. 10% higher than where the highest point on your kid’s healthy/happy growth curve says your kid would be at today. You have nothing to lose from gaining “too much” weight and everything to lose from gaining too little. Lean on the people here and give yourself so much grace. Let your mistakes go and try again. Nobody is perfect. This is the hardest thing most of us have ever been through and it is worth it. You can do this.”
- “The single most important thing I did when I felt low was let somebody else know how I felt. Raw and real. Sometimes that was a short text to one of my sisters or the friends that were in the circle around me who knew what was happening and were there primarily to support me. Often, that was a voice text because I did not want my words to appear in print. That was for privacy and also because voice to voice communication is really important to me. When I could, that was a phone call to one of my sisters or one of those friends. Sometimes that included tears. Sometimes we prayed.”
- “This too shall pass was my personal broken record- and it turned out it was my daughter’s as well”
- “The phrase that reframed the fight for me was “You have to see the Beast to slay the Beast.”
- “Everything changes, nothing stays the same…even the tough times.”
- “I never thought I’d be happy or normal again. I felt destroyed. Into year 6 and I’ve never felt happier or more normal! My darling daughter is a better version of herself pre-ED. It’s worth every second of pain.”
- “ I also did A LOT of deep breathing. Fear was such a huge part of my early experience understanding and fighting anorexia. Typically what I had to remember in crisis when my daughter would rage and fight me was that I was actually doing something right and I had to keep going. Go hard! Don’t back off just because you have poked the bear. Don’t let your fear stop you from the very hard work of caring for and feeding your loved one. The second point is if you are not getting the help you need and your primary care provider is clueless and keeping you stuck, look elsewhere or educate your PCP. My daughter’s doctor was clueless. It was only with the help of very select people and this group that I was able to overcome my fear and do what I had to do. My daughter is now fully recovered, living a happy, healthy life.
- “This is so hard AND you are capable of much more than you ever imagined. Keep going, and take care of yourself. Eliminate as much as you can to focus on treatment. Get your own therapist, and find ways to manage stress. Small, quick activities like a word search really helped me. Sayings from this group became mantras:
– The only way out is through
– When you’re going through hell, keep going
– If you’re taking fire you’re probably over the target - “You do not need all the answers right now. Take the next best step with the information you have now, and then adjust as you learn more about what works and what doesn’t.”
- “I believe the biggest enemy I had personally was the separation, isolation, and loneliness of fighting the battle for my daughter. We cannot do these things alone. We are not meant to do these things alone. Telling somebody how I was feeling right away became life-saving for me.”
F.E.A.S.T has so many different types of support platforms. This community exists so that you do not have to go through this alone. If you are in need of support, please reach out. Here is a list of F.E.A.S.T’s support platforms: