How to Stand Up to an Eating Disorder Handout
This handout was created by Willamette Nutrition Source, LLC with the help of 2 clients, in their mid to late 20s and in recovery from anorexia that started in middle school for both of them. They graciously lent their voices to help families understand how it feels to have an eating disorder and to educate those who feel they can trust a young person to “do this on their own” when in the throes of an eating disorder.
Wisdom from two recovered individuals:
Here is what I would say to parents who say they know their child, they can trust their child, they want to trust their child, etc…
You can’t trust an eating disorder. When I think back to having an eating disorder, it’s almost what I imagine schizophrenia would be like. Once I had gone through treatment once, I knew what was healthy and what wasn’t, I knew what I needed to do to maintain my weight, but this other side of me—the eating disorder—cared far more about not gaining weight. So, I did things I never would have imagined doing. I lied, I hid food, I came up with schemes to avoid eating even a drop of yogurt…looking back on it, it seems insane, and it was, but it was the work of an eating disorder, which is not a sane or rational disorder. You cannot act towards an eating disorder as you would towards a rational person. You have to be firm and unyielding, and the eating disorder will do everything possible to bend and break the rules and wear you down.
Parents–take that trust you have in your child and use it to fuel your belief that the trustworthy person is still there, but they cannot emerge until you weed your way through the convoluted games of the eating disorder, and to do that you have to stick by what YOU, the rational person, know is healthy.
A brain deprived of food doesn’t think clearly. A brain with an eating disorder fixates on food, especially numbers related to food. As a parent, you have to make the sane choices, since you are the one with a healthy brain. Your child is unable to make healthy choices while in the throes of an eating disorder. It’s not that they don’t want to, but the eating disorder and compromised brain won’t let them. You need to take the reins.
From another recovered person, responding to the above:
You did such an incredible job capturing the reality of how the brain can operate when an eating disorder takes over. I think this is such an important angle to mention, because it can be so difficult to understand why a brain affected by an eating disorder can bring forth these ‘justifying’ behaviors, even for those of us who have lived it and are looking back in retrospect. I also really appreciate how you mentioned the importance of parents and any other caregiving family members staying firm and in alignment with the treatment team. The eating disorder will put up quite a fight to get what it wants, so it is incredibly important for parents to stay firm so as to not add fuel to the disorder.
Some other things that I was pondering:
Since eating disorders can be life-threatening, family members cannot underestimate the scope of the problem or deny its existence (not sure yet how to articulate this in a way that is firm, but not shaming). The provider(s) who are caring for a child/teen/adult with an eating disorder—physicians, RDs, etc—must be specifically and intensively trained in best practice treatment of eating disorders. There is no substitute, and anyone without these credentials can do more harm. Eating disorders are too complex and far too dangerous to gamble with, and although most providers out there are very well-intentioned and highly skilled in many areas, eating disorders must be treated by experts in the field.
As a reminder to parents, don’t take anger, frustration, and ‘food fights’ personally. Your child loves you, but is often struggling with self-hatred/disgust along with a warped and unending desire for thinness. Being firm with the eating disorder is so crucial, but it can be met with a lot of vitriol.
Even though an eating disorder can completely take over a family’s life, we don’t want to let it consume us so much that it becomes a child’s identity. In other words, it is important to engage in hobbies (e.g. planting flowers, watching sports, board games, family traditions), conversation topics, and related activities that nurture your child, as long as they do not add to the problem (i.e. physical activity that is unsafe or unhealthy).
