(part of the Patients Speak series)

December 14, 2010

Hi Laura,
 
I have you to thank for making me feel cared for, for giving me hope, and for giving me the gift of self-understanding. That's why I originally reached out to you over e-mail. Back then (in April I believe), I was slipping. I had had an eating disorder - anorexia - for 8 years, but, in the month that I had e-mailed you, it was spiraling downwards again too fast. I wasn't thinking clearly, and I was restricting extremely. My therapist had intervened (as she had in the past), but this time, she called my parents (even though I was over 18).
 
In our last correspondence, you had told me that you hoped I would let you know how things turned out for me. Well, I delayed applying for grad school. I left my job. I spent the last SEVEN MONTHS of my life in residential, partial, and IOP treatment. I am now living at home for the first time since high school and attending therapy 2x a week and RD appointments 1x a week. I also go to psychiatry appointments. And... I am happy to report that I am doing SO, SO well. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this alive! I feel marvelous! I keep telling my therapist and dietitian how wonderful I feel, how alive, how present, etc. and they tell me its biochemical. When the say of that, I think of you often. It is... I eat a 3 meal, 3 snack meal plan that is more food than other people in my family (I'm weigh restored though). My meal plan is pretty high in fat and protein, and that's how I like it. I really just can't articulate how I feel. I feel awake for the first time in so long. Sometimes, when I'm struggling to eat, I wonder to myself: What do I want more - no weight gain at all costs OR the recovered life? And the answer is simple. I want the recovered life. My heart is just overflowing with appreciation for life. I cry easily now - I never had before. I cry out of joy, out of gratitude, out of appreciation. I feel strong and comfortable in myself. I feel like I've sunken into myself. I feel okay being me. I feel like I'm becoming the person I really am. I feel like I'm living authentically. Today my meal plan got raised, and I'm fine with that. The better I eat, the better I feel, the clearer I think. I'll eat some extra calories if that's what I need to keep feeling this present and this empowered. I just feel so empowered. I feel like I can trust myself. I feel like my opinion matters. I feel like I have found my voice of self-protection, which had been missing for so long. I just feel really alive.
 
I also am finally out of denial. And I'm more open with those around me. My parents know my full meal plan. They know it got raised today. They cook to meal plan standards now - where as before, they used to eat too lightly at dinner (they were big afternoon snackers). Even my friends ask me if my mp got changed on days after RD appointments, and I tell them. I'm doing really well with the eating and I look back at where I was, and how I lived my life for eight years, and am astonished at where I am now. I'm amazed. And I'm so, so grateful.

I even invited friends over for a cookie baking party this weekend. We made 5 different kinds of cookies (and ate them too!). THen we ordered pizza for dinner. I handled the event just fine and had a great time. One friend said, "I'm just in disbelief that YOU initiated a cookie and pizza party!" :) We all had so much fun!

I'm doing great now... and it's no coincidence that this is the first time in 8 years that I've been experiencing full nutrition in a non chaotic, sustained way. I truly believe that full nutrition for an extended period of time has really been the turning point for me.

I also wanted to tell you something else about ATDT. I read the forum every day, and I wanted to say two things:
 
1) I wanted you all to know that reading the words of loving mothers and fathers on that forum has helped me enormously. About a month ago, I remember that Charlotte had posted something about "just keep eating." Soon after that, I had a day that, for whatever reason, I found it harder to follow my meal plan. And I thought to myself, "Charlotte said 'just keep eating,' and so I did." This type of things happens a lot. I read what you all write, and it helps me stay on track. I wanted to let everyone know that.
 
2) I sometimes wish that I was allowed to comment on ATDT only to talk to the parents who write in concerned - to tell them my perspective in hope that it might give them some insight into what their S or D is thinking. I want to be able to provide these parents some reassurance. I want to tell them how I experienced the process. Tonight, I want to tell Maux about all the BN people I know who yell horrible things at their parents and then come into group the next day to say how they hate how they keep yelling at their parents and how they know they're being rude but they just keep doing it. I want to tell Polly that I didn't say "I want to change" for quite some time because, doing so, would imply that I was admitting that something was actually wrong. I also want to tell her that, at first, my motivation was simply to "not go backwards." Later, I didn't want to admit to being motivated only because that was expressing emotion of wanting something... which I was uncomfortable doing. I wasn't used to admitting to wanting things - especially in regards to myself. I felt embarrassed to say it. Anyway, I think these things a lot when I read the ATDT forum.
 
I guess that's all I wanted to tell you for now.
 
Keep doing the good work you do.
 
Love,
L.